How to recover from major surgery:
Days 3-9: Spend most of it in pain, and calling for help every time you need to move. Try to remember why you left the hospital where the nice, nice nurses kept you drugged up on demerol. Begin to wish that you brought one of those movable beds with you. That would have made life so much easier.
Day 10: Spike a fever and end up in the ER for two hours only to have them tell you it is something "viral" which means one of two things: (1) they have no idea what is wrong and they won't give out any drugs or (2) They don't believe you had a fever and they won't give out any drugs. Either way, nobody's getting drugs!
Day 15: Become allergic to the pain meds. Have your feet feel like they are on fire and you want to scratch them off. Spend the night awake wishing there was some way to detach your feet then reattach them when the itching and burning stops. Call the pharmacist and have her tell you that ibuprofen cannot be causing the itching. "Maybe it's a new pair of socks" she says. Hang up on stupid pharmacist and call another pharmacist. Other pharmacist says "Uh oh!" when you tell her the problem. Have smart pharmacist confirm the allergic reaction. Call the doctor. Get Benadryl. Buy Aleve to help with the pain because Advil has ibuprofen, the thing that you are now allergic to, and Tylenol has acetaminophen. Acetaminophen makes you vomit, and vomiting with an 8-inch incision really, really hurts. Take Benadryl and hope it stops the itching. Take Aleve and hope it stops the pain.
Looks like my recovery is right on schedule!