Thursday, September 3, 2009

When nature calls, loudly

It's 1:10 in the afternoon and I am staring at my nalgene bottle, filled to the very top with water; 32 ounces of water to be precise. I have 20 minutes to drink all that water. I dread doing this, knowing that I will not be able to use the bathroom until after my ultrasound. Water tends to go through me like...well... like water. But I have to drink it and I do. Forty minutes later, bladder full and starting to send signals to my brain that it needs to be emptied, I drive to the doctor's office. It's now 2:15pm and I am filling out paperwork for the doctor. Name? Address? Social Security Number? I can't think. Sweat is starting to bead on my forehead as the signals from my bladder to my brain turn into loud demands. Somehow, the paperwork gets finished and I slowly walk it back to the front desk. Every step jars my bladder. At 2:23pm, I start to fidget. I stand up to try to relieve the pressure. It doesn't help. I sit down, crossing my legs in hopes of creating some sort of dam to stop the urine that is pushing it's way out. I pick up a magazine to try to take my mind off of the excruciating pain. Sweat is pouring down my face. My heart starts to beat faster and faster. I read the same sentence over and over again. I put down the magazine. There's a TV! Great! Something to distract me. It's tuned to a news channel. The segment is on this new product out called Go Girl! It's a carry-in-your-purse urinal for woman that somehow attaches to your body so you can pee standing up. The news reporter exclaims that this product will make it so women can go to the bathroom anywhere. So, it's apparent I can't rely on the TV to distract me from my pain. Women all over the world can pee whenever they desire thanks to this new product and here I sit with the contents of my bladder now spilling over into other internal organs. I hate the TV right now. I also hate my gynecologist, who order this ultrasound so she would have a snapshot of my insides "just for future reference". I hate thorough doctors! At 2:27pm the tech calls my name and I slowly stand up. The pressure is overwhelming. My brain cannot focus on anything but the signals my bladder is sending. I force my feet to move and I follow the tech through a maze of hallways until we arrive at the room, which I am positive is in another country, given the distance we travelled to get there. After leaving me in the room for what seemed like hours to change (seriously, if the only thing standing between your full bladder and the bathroom was an ultrasound, how fast would you change into your gown?), the tech finally begins. She pushes the probe (Is that what those things are called?) on my abdomen and my bladder cries out. I try to think of other things, but all I can think is "Do not pee! Do NOT pee! DO NOT PEE!". The tech is now pushing the probe into my stomach. I am sure she is barely pushing but to me it feels like she is using all of her strength. Oh no! I feel something warm on my inner thigh. Please let it just be sweat! I am going to pretend it's sweat. The tech lifts the probe up and hands me towel. I start wiping the gel off and she says "Wipe the gel off and then you can use the bathroom." The gel forgotten, I drop the towel and stand up, slowly though, just in case the warmth I felt a few minutes earlier wasn't sweat. I walk toward the bathroom as fast as my urine filled body will move; my gown is completely open in the back, exposing my butt. I don't care. I have one thought: getting to the bathroom, which appears to be on another continent. Once inside I have a Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own moment, and my bladder thanks me. The sweating stops and my heart rate slows to a more normal pace. I return to the table for a few minutes, then the tech says she's done and leaves the room. I dress and get ready to leave, but before I do, I go to the bathroom one more time...just because I can.

8 comments:

Jodie said...

Wow...that was intense...and hilarious. Thanks for the laughs Michelle!

Natalie said...

just wait until you're pregnant and have a baby kicking on your bladder!! i never drink all the water they tell me to.

Jennifer said...

HAHAHAHA!! This made me laugh right out loud! It sounds like an exact re-enactment of my last ultrasound (also just for a thorough Dr. - GRRR) For future reference, you can drink about a quarter of the water they tell you to, and you don't feel like you are going to explode at any second :-)

CS said...

lol, been there, too. same test. and got lost on the way to the hospital, adding a 1/2 hour to the full-bladder experience. not pleasant. i was pretty much beyond cranky by the time they got me in the exam room... and excessively overjoyed once done.

CS said...

lol, been there, too. same test. and got lost on the way to the hospital, adding a 1/2 hour to the full-bladder experience. not pleasant. i was pretty much beyond cranky by the time they got me in the exam room... and excessively overjoyed once done.

SongbirdMama said...

Ha ha ha!!! That was hilarious. And ditto on the kickboxing baby comment. That's when you'll really curse the ultrasound experience.

Ruachel said...

Reading this made me think I had to use the bathroom. So funny!

Ashley said...

I just peed my pants from laughing so hard. I've totally been there. Twice. Not fun. Great writing though. I thoroughly enjoyed this.